My health journey…Part 3: Clinically depressed mixed with high anxiety?

I’m probably putting way too much of myself out here, but I’m truly doing this to help people out. I don’t put my business out in the atmosphere like that. Especially something like this. Most people wouldn’t, including myself before I went through all of this; don’t like to discuss mental health. That’s where the problem starts. Throughout this entire process I couldn’t imagine the things that I would go through and what I would learn about myself. I just wanted to have my surgery so that I could get back to my old self. I knew for a fact that I wasn’t going to go into my 40’s feeling and looking the way I did. Anyway…before I started my monthly ultrasounds, my surgeon suggested that I talk to a psychologist. Really? I mean, REALLY? What for? I feel fine. I mean…at times I did feel down; ok…maybe a little depressed at time, but anyone would feel that way being sick and in pain all of the time. At least I thought so. I know I’m crazy, but it’s a good and harmless type of crazy ;-). So again I ask…FOR WHAT? I knew that he could tell I wasn’t feeling this suggestion at all, but then he let me know why he thinks that it’s a good idea. First, I will be going through a major lifestyle change. I have to be prepared mentally and physically to deal with the changes that I’m about to go through. Most importantly, what I’ve been through over the years will definitely take a toll on your psyche. As I mentioned above at times I would feel down and depressed quite a bit, and I thought that I knew why I was feeling this way. Come to find out most people who are diagnosed with depression don’t even know that they’re suffering from it. Some may never find out.

Even though the counseling wasn’t a physical process per say, (like the ultrasounds); but it did take a lot out of me. No wonder why they say the brain is the strongest muscle in the body. I had my first session in early December of 2016. Before going inside I sat in the car for about 10 minutes wondering what in the hell I was doing here? I finally got out of my car and knocked on the door as instructed. When I walked in I had no idea what to expect. I’m not going to lie, I was nervous as hell. She was an older lady, very sweet, very nice and extremely calm. I can tell she had been doing this for years, I just hoped that my early expectation of her was correct. She looked over my papers that I filled out prior to the appointment and then it was on…here we go. Of course I’m not going to disclose what we discussed, but trust and believe…I didn’t hold anything back. I was up front and honest about everything that she asked me. It was weird because I felt like I was talking to the wall. Let me explain…this isn’t a bad thing at all. What I mean by it, is I finally felt like I was talking to someone who wasn’t immediately judging me and was actually listening. When I talked…she listened. That’s extremely rare to me. After the hour-long session, she had me do a mental health assessment. Ummm…wait! I thought we were done here. Nope! I looked at that thing like…GOOD LORD! What is this??? There were 350 question…all of which were multiple choice. Of course I went ahead and completed the entire assessment, It took me a little over an hour to finish. I answered each and every question honestly. I had to look at quite a few of the questions really hard. It seemed like it was asking the same questions repeatedly.  Oh…I get what’s happening here! It’s to try trip me up…maybe? I have no idea what that was about…so I handed her the assessment and went on about my way. NERVOUS BOOTS!

A week later, I received a phone call from the psychologist with the results of the assessment I took along with her professional diagnosis of our meeting as well. We talked for a while, she asked me how I felt about our session. I told her after a few days  that I felt good about everything and it was nice to talk to someone who wasn’t biased in any way either towards me or against me. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn’t automatically judgmental. Well…here it goes…She told me know that after talking to me and going over the results of my mental health assessment; I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and having high anxiety. She believed that I’ve been suffering from each of these for years. Even back to childhood. WAIT! Excuse me? Me? No way! At first I called bullshit…complete and total bullshit! However…that was my diagnosis. I didn’t know how to take this in. Believe me, it’s a lot to initially hear at first. I never felt THAT depressed and I never felt anxious. I mean…well…I do have trouble focusing at times, but I always felt that had to do with me having so much on my mind all at one. Maybe I’m a little hyper, but anxiety? No! How? Come to find out most mental disorders aren’t just strictly feelings, emotions or actions. That’s why so many mental disorders go undiagnosed because people don’t FEEL a certain type of way. I’ve joked around for years that I don’t like people (well…it’s not really that much of a joke), but now I’m wondering if that was my anxiety talking all of this time? It’s possible. I know she could feel my side-eye coming through the phone because it was a strong one. However, the next thing she told me sent me right over. She said that she wants me to be treated with medication and that this needs to be soon so the medication can kick in before surgery and the recovery process. After major surgery, many people become depressed for many reasons. And if they’re already suffering from depression of course that would make it that much worse. Being home bound, becoming nauseous afterwards, being in pain, having regret about surgery…so many things can play into depression after major surgery. It made sense, but when she said medication I was in complete and total shock. This just turned into a totally different ballgame. How did it get this bad and I didn’t even know it? I’ve always been extremely skeptical about meds period, but in the end I did want to feel better…all around.

I was lost and needed spiritual guidance in what to do with all of this because it was just way too much. I went to my mosque and talked to the Imam because again, I needed an unbiased opinion and someone who would be completely honest with me. Someone who I knew would lead me in the right direction. People believe Muslim’s are against any form of medication and any forms of psychological help. This is so far from the truth. But, that’s what I was afraid of. How would I be viewed if I not only went to seek help prior to coming before Allah, but also considering taking medication? Imam was amazing as always listening and understanding everything that was going on. He basically said that while I’m working on my spiritual and physical health; I also need to be mentally healthy as well…if I don’t work on everything, the things that I’ve accomplished won’t even matter. Well…hello then! Our conversation went much deeper than this, but that was the gist of what I was ultimately coming to him for. In the end it was my decision of course, but I took everything he said into consideration.

The psychologist had already faxed my results and her diagnoses of me to my doctor and surgeon. A few days later my doctor called me in for an appointment to discuss the results of my meeting and assessment that I had with the psychologist. He then proceeded to discuss the medications (various anti-depressant’s) that he would recommend for me. He let me research them and get back to him. Honestly, at this point I really didn’t care. I seriously didn’t. And I hate to sound like that, but I still had no idea what was going on? I mean…I was still stuck at “clinically depressed and high anxiety!” That part! I ultimately told him that I trust him and to go ahead and call in the prescription’s. Of course me, being the nerd that I am, I started researching and looking further into clinical depression and anxiety. I’ll be damned!!! This was definitely me. How did I miss all of these signs? Of course when I finally confided in select family members and friends, they had reservations and “opinions.” Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. What most people didn’t understand was me coming to them was me just needing your support. However, I understood and expected these reactions. Let’s just continue to keep it real…These reservations and opinions go back to how many black people, especially Christian black people view talking to professionals for help and especially how we feel about being medicated. I had my own opinions about it prior to going through it, but you don’t know how you truly feel about anything until it actually happens to you. The only cure believed to be needed is church and prayer. “No…let’s just pray for her/him.” “You just need prayer.” “You need to go back to church.” Of course I’m all for prayer, but let’s keep it real…prayer can only go so far. And…been there done that!

I’ve been on these two medications for a whole year; one for depression and one for anxiety. It’s crazy how much better I feel now. I’m dead ass serious. I feel like a totally new person. Yes…I’ve had my surgery within this time, but I’m talking strictly about my mental. For instance…I’ve noticed that I don’t lash out at people. I feel that I’m a different type of laid-back, meaning that I’m not as uptight as I was. Maybe I’m a little too laid-back. I’m just a happier person now. I seriously could go on about how much better I feel…all around. I will admit that finding out I have a mental disorder (let’s just call it what it is) was a huge blow, but I’m glad that I found out what was going on with me. Yes I can also attribute this to Allah, but seriously…I know for a fact that it’s the medications I’m on as well. I don’t let little things bother me like they used to. I still go through counseling and go back and talk to the psychologist twice a year. I would suggest for people to talk to someone. You never know what’s truly going on in your head. What I’ve witnessed is many people only want to confide in those who will tell them what they want to hear. Let’s keep it real…that’s not healthy and it’s not helping anything. Some of us actually want to hear the truth. Everyone wants someone to just listen to us, but make smart choices. Maybe you know somebody who may need mental health. Maybe your child needs it. Maybe it’s you. It’s not hard and it doesn’t make you crazy. (Another fear people have is being considered crazy.) Stop that! Now not getting help…that’s crazy! And please, don’t let it be too late either. Undiagnosed mental health is a huge problem, especially in the black community. We have to do better. Instead of helping each other, we’re quick to down each other. I was ashamed at first to admit this, but now I’m not. Why should I be? I’m no psychologist or anything but from what I notice day to day…more people need to get checked out themselves. I’m just saying! Also…stop feeding into people’s nonsense when you know they have issues. It’s been a huge help for me through this entire journey and will continue to be for the rest of my life. I’m sure I won’t need to be on medication forever, but you never know. Whatever it takes to make me continue to feel like a better and healthier person, I will do it. Now…if Ohio extends medical marijuana to mental health patients or just goes ahead and legalizes it altogether, I will do that ;-). Until then…the pills will do just fine.