I’m working on ME!

I have mentioned for a while that I have been working on myself. Now that I’m 40 years old, I am taking everything about me seriously. I know that I need help in many facets of my life. From physical and mental health, finances, my spirituality…I feel that I have a damn shopping addiction. I’m a mess, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I can admit my faults in all areas of my life. But everyone can’t do that. I’ve said before that “I’m working on me to be better for you,” or something like that. That statement isn’t for one particular person. That statement is for everyone that I may come in contact within my lifetime. Truthfully, it’s not only for you all…it’s for myself as well. Probably mainly for myself. I just want to be a better person all around.

Not too long ago I was truly miserable. I was sick and just tired. I had a stomach condition that I didn’t think would ever go away. I put myself in toxic relationships. I hated my job. I was stressed all the hell out. I had a terrible temper…I mean…I could go on. Just know that it was BAD. I did so many things that I’m not proud of. Pretty much my entire 30’s seemed like a waste because I was in such a bad place mentally and physically. Three things I did in my 30’s that stand out to me was one; cut my hair off at 32 years old. The reason why I say that is because I did it for me. That was the first time in a few years that I actually did something for myself and could give a f#*% what anyone had to say. Another thing that I did was at 35, I left my job that I was at for 14 years and moved on to another job that in the end would benefit me and my future. I took a pay cut and risked putting myself in financial danger. Not good for someone already in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. However, I did what I had to do. Lastly, at 37; of course, I started taking my health seriously. I went to see a psychiatrist and had my weight loss surgery. That’s kind of sad that those three things were the only highlights in 10 years that actually felt right. While other people my age are starting families, getting married, buying homes…you know…growing up and moving on. While that’s going on, I’m over here a hot ass mess. Yes, I could blame it on other people…however, I put myself in these situations. I could’ve checked on my health before it got worse, but when you feel like shit already…you just don’t give a damn. I could have not let a thief stay with me. I knew better but felt bad for them.

Through all of this, I knew that this was not the real me, but it was. This is who I became. I still didn’t recognize that person but it was me. I went from someone who stayed out in the streets, cared a little too much about my appearance, was such an energetic and outgoing person; to someone who just sat around and felt sorry for herself. I was severely depressed and didn’t know. I grew into an anxiety disorder and didn’t know that either. In my late 30’s I knew what I had to do and I did it. I worked on…and am still working on what I need to. Finances are great, my job is great, I’m making more money than I ever have, and have received promotions in such a short period of time. I cut out people who weren’t beneficial to my growth and health as a person. I still need to stop shopping so much, but that’s a whole different topic. Call me selfish or whatever, and I know it’s easier for someone like me who isn’t married and doesn’t have kids to say, but this is the time in our lives where we need to take care of ourselves. We also need to live. I see so many people who are miserable and we can all tell by your social media posts. Trust me…I was there. No, I’m not perfect and yes…I still have my days. Instead of sharing with people who truly don’t care; figure out what the issue(s) is and try to work on them either in silence or with people you know genuinely care about you and your well being.

I promise to keep working on me, so please work on you!