Allow me to re-introduce myself……..

Today marks the three-year anniversary of my website going live with its first post. Of course all of my writings from the first year were “lost” by my whack web host (which I will be getting rid of very soon). So I decided what a great day to re-introduce myself. I’m not neglecting my writing or this website at all. I write all of time…ALL OF THE TIME! It’s just that along the way I will admit that I lost confidence in my writing; confidence in myself. I have so much material but I’m not sure when and if I want to publish it. Some things did get scrapped permanently for reasons that are listed in this post. I didn’t want to re-live certain things and a lot of them I’ve decided to move on and let go. From my last post until now; as it will continue…I’ve done some soul-searching that was very necessary. It was needed for my psyche and well-being. For a while I’ve kept so much bottled up inside that had been bothering me and I was releasing my issues into the atmosphere in ways that were extremely unbecoming. From being sick, to personal issues, dealing with trash, to losing my grandfather so suddenly and just life in general. Life can mess you up… Day to-day life is tough. But…it’s also what you make of it. That’s what I’m learning. So this post will explain some of the things that I have been feeling and what I am doing to move on. It’s a long post…so if you read it…you may need to read in sections, but I needed to get this out.

Every now & then some of us feel the need to remove ourselves from the world in order to get to know YOU again. One day you may wake up and not recognize the person you’ve become. You may have lived as this person for years and never realized anything was ever different within you. This is what happened to me. I woke up one day and asked myself two questions…”Who are you?” and “Who have you become?” This seriously just happened out of the blue like I had an epiphany or something. I had to sit back, take a break and re-evaluate some things in my life. I didn’t like the person that I saw in the mirror. Many people who interact with me on a normal basis may not have seen a change, but I definitely did. What I saw was a person that I didn’t like and even lost respect for…now that’s deep but real. I had become too angry, too easily pissed off and ready to “read and roast” at the drop of a dime, among many other unbecoming things. Now trust me when I tell you that a good old-fashioned “read and roast” is still necessary at times, but not all of the time. It didn’t take much to set me off. Why was I this angry? What’s really going on? I then knew an immediate change needed to be made. Granted…I’ve been through some BS over the past few years, mainly involving other people, but at the end of the day…this was ALL ME! I allowed this. The first thing I knew was necessary was that I had to get back in touch with my religious and spiritual side. This was not up for debate. As someone who grew up in the church I felt so lost spiritually. This scared me. I had to immediately re-connect with the lord and my faith. It wasn’t that I stopped believing…I just feel that I was losing faith. Why was everything bad happening to me? Me, me…me. This is how low it got. I give myself the side-eye now. I prayed and prayed for forgiveness and to find peace within myself. I knew without peace in me, I couldn’t find peace in anything else. This was the most emotional part, but once I got past this I thought it would be easy. NOPE…not at all. Next, I had to forgive those that did me wrong. That was HARD, but something else that I had to do because I couldn’t carry any of that resentment or anger I had built up over time with me in order to move on. I then had to accept accountability for my part and allowing those things to happen to me. Allowing people like that to enter into my life. I allowed that…yes I did…I allowed it. Lastly, I had to want it. By that I mean I had to want to become a better person. Not saying that I turned into the devil because I know that’s what it’s starting to sound like; but she wasn’t a good person. I know that I’ve always been a good person with a great heart. This is what got me involved with these toxic people. However, I had to want to become a more positive person and take the steps to become one. Once I did all of that…It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Yet…I knew that I still had a long way to go but now I knew that it was safe to move on.

So…what made me realize a change was needed? For one…I realized that I was attracting the wrong people in my life. My lack of self-concern and awareness was allowing negative and toxic people into my life. It was just one bad thing after the other in dealing with these people. How did I become vulnerable to trash? How did I get involved with someone who would throw their own kids under the bus to save themselves? People who will lie, steal and use you. How? I always viewed myself as being a pretty good judge of character, but not now. This bothered me. Once I noticed what was going on around me; I started building up anger and resentment towards EVERYONE! I basically went into a shell. I later realized that I was actually embarrassed with myself more than anything. My friends would ask me…”What’s wrong with you?” “Why are you being so distant?” “You don’t come around anymore.” They could see the change in me and my attitude yet I couldn’t. The damage in me had been done and I didn’t even know. That was the scariest thing ever. Not even realizing what happened. Then I thought maybe I did realize subconsciously but didn’t want to acknowledge it. The saying goes: “You are the company you keep.” As much as I didn’t want to believe it, it was true. It took me almost 5 years to finally come to my senses but I did.

I also noticed that I had become consumed with so much non-sense in my day-to-day living. My educational shows and documentaries were replaced with reality television. My history and religious books were replaced with my Facebook and Twitter news feed to see who I could “read” and “throw shade” at next. Trust me..this became old…real quick. Not saying that there’s not a place for that, but I didn’t have a balance. That’s all it was about for me. It’s what made my day. It diverted me from my actual problems. But wait…I’m the funny one…right? I’m here to make people laugh…right? I realized this once I started venturing back into tackling serious issues and events going on around us such as: police brutality, politics, empowering my people, speaking on LGBTQ rights, things going on in the city…among many other IMPORTANT things going on around us. I would post these things on social media; serious topics trying to engage and get the conversation started, and I would get no more than ten likes…maybe twenty on a good day. I’d post something on a celebrity and say something smart ass and get 50 likes off rip. Now…I’m not saying that everyone should be into what I find interesting, believe me…I get that; however, the difference in the response definitely caught my attention. I know I’m petty, I know that I can throw shade like an old school queen…but I started to wonder…Is this really how people view me? Is this all people see? Through all of this I’ve been trying to give people insight to who I am. I noticed through my growth that I would much rather consume myself with important things. If my outspokenness, standing up for what I believe in and being a “nerd” as I have been called (and I’m perfectly fine with that title LOL) makes me “unpopular”…that’s okay. As long as I’m finding interest in what I enjoy and most importantly finding peace with myself…believe me…I’m good.

I sometimes have to catch myself from going in every now & then. I’ve turned the cheek many times when I just wanted to fire off, but I didn’t. Hey…I never said that I wasn’t a work in progress. I’m truly just a natural idiot and smart ass. My mind is always going and my mouth is always ready. I’ve been like this since I was 3 or 4 years old and my mother told me “I was getting on her last nerve!” So I in turn asked her…”Well who got on your first one?” Who says that??? A natural-born smart ass…that’s who. Giving people the side-eye since birth. So that’s just who I am, that won’t change. I am however learning to not be one all of the time. I really am. I truly believe that the anger in me is subsiding, the bitterness is dissolving and I’ve learned forgiveness.  Through this…I am finding peace within myself. I’ve noticed the change in me. Maybe others don’t because they’re only looking for the shade, jokes and pettiness. It really got me when a dear, close friend and I were discussing something that happened and they were surprised that I didn’t have a clue what was going on. Mainly shocked because they said “well you like the shade and drama.” It bothered me a little because even someone close to me thinks that’s all I live for…and they know me. It’s hard to hear that when you’re trying to distance yourself from that stigma that you’ve placed on yourself. I can’t be upset or feel a certain way with anyone who thinks that about me. I’ve created this monster. This is all me!

In closing…I’m so happy where I’m heading. I’ve removed the toxic people completely out of my life. Not just on social media or my iPhone…but altogether. No traces of them anywhere. I’ve chalked it all up to experience and a time-frame in my life that I won’t forget, but don’t want to remember. I’m being led in the right direction. I’ve been exposed to some great opportunities recently and the future is looking great; personally, health wise and career wise. Some amazing people have entered my life because I’ve allowed myself to be responsive to them. My guard is always up (as it should be)…but just not as high now. I’ve reconnected with my faith and my confidence is building back up. I feel that I’m in a good place and it will only get better. Now don’t mistake it…I’m still down for some fun shade and as a stated earlier…a good read & roast can still go down…but only if really needed. What can I say…I’m still a work in progress.