When being too woke becomes toxic
And for the record, I didn’t need any more toxicity in my life. But as with many things I have endured in my life, I had to learn the hard way. Going through something that was pretty much life or death made me re-evaluate where I was channeling all of my energy. I was angry all of the damn time and trying to cover it up with humor every now and then. It wasn’t helping. I wasn’t happy. I had no balance. I had no in between. I mean, I already suffer from clinical depression and severe anxiety, so this other shit…I did not need it. how did I get here? What drew me to this conclusion.
However, I had been down this road before. In my late teens and early 20’s, I was a Five Percenter also known as The Nation of Gods and Earths. I studied under this teaching for a little over 10 years and during that time I found myself becoming such a miserable and angry person. I won’t blame it on The Nation because it was all me. It was what I took from it and how it was making me see the outside world. And that was how I started feeling not too long ago and I knew the feeling. It was familiar to me. Yes, I was much older and my tolerance was lower than before. Yes, I had more knowledge and experience than prior. But all of these emotions were still too much. And the emotions weren’t necessarily related to the fight. Yes, it was draining to constantly see and hear about all of these atrocities that were happening to black, brown, and Native people. The way we were so openly and blatantly treated. Seeing these white racists becoming emboldened. Seeing them get away with stuff and if they were to get caught, not even a severe slap on the wrist. Yes, all of that hurt and was draining, but what was more troubling and hurting to me was seeing the discourse and division within the black community over nonsense. Just to try and prove something; to who I don’t know. The lack of compassion for each other just because they have a difference of opinion. All of these fake woke people who didn’t realize that they were the ones who were hurting us more than anyone else. Being woke doesn’t mean going against EVERYTHING. We will discuss that another time. I think that is how the misinformed and ignorant think being a woke individual is. It was also seeing the main ones on the front lines were the LGBTQ community and black women, then seeing the open hate that they get from the fake woke ones. So why am I fighting so hard for you all? You don’t like me, don’t respect me, and wouldn’t fight for me. So why am I putting all of my energy, physical and mental well-being into all of this? Knowing this, it had made me realize that the fight isn’t worth it. Again, I felt that I was fighting for nothing. And it was my people who were hurting me the most. Just like years ago when I was in The Nation, it was way too exhausting and draining. It was my view on the outside world that was making me angry and miserable.
Deep down inside, well we don’t really have to reach that deep anymore, but inside…I could care less what anyone thinks of me. Their feelings good or bad have no merit on my life. Well…at least I thought, but come to find out, I did care what my own people thought. Well…until I didn’t care anymore. I really could care less what any racist, bigot, misogynistic asshole thinks of me. Never have and never will. But as the saying goes…”It be your own people!” That’s so true. Fast forward to today, in my life…I honestly could care less. Trust and believe…I’m still woke, highly involved, and concerned about the plight of my people but no longer at the expense of my health…both physical and mental. When you put all of your energy into one thing, especially one negative thing, that is what your life will become. So this isn’t an F you to my people and our fight, but a necessary need to take care of myself.
